Trail 58 Trash

Return to Hash Stats > Hash Trash

Howdy y'all!

This past Sunday the Hillbilly H3 group had yet another one of them hash thingy's. However this time the hash trail thingy was given a theme; Brown Bag Hash. Now I don't know much about nothing, but when I think of brown bag it makes me think of many things. It makes me think of all those years in 2nd and 3rd grade, taking my lunch to school in a brown bag. It reminds me of the one time my mother, I mean aunt, or was it grandma and I took a locomotive up to the big city called Vienna and we saw a homeless guy who looked very similar to Danny BD drinking something out of a brown bag. A brown bag also reminds me of well...I can't think of nothin' else, so one with this here story.

The theme was Brown Bag and in each bag contained a fine article of clothing that each member of Hillbilly brought from home. If'in you ask me however, I think Menage just took 25 brown bags and filled them up with clothes from her wardrobe and brought them to trail, but maybe I am wrong. Anywho, the idea was that each Hillbilly drew a number and then selected a bag with that number on it. In a minute I, Sizzle Sac, yer faithful scribe will fill you in on what some peoples got, but first who the hell laid this here trail....well it was Herpicles, you know him, that Druish guy who likes to run with curtains attached to himself. Then there was this guy named Gladiater or was it Radiater? Either way he has a sweet car, and by sweet I mean sweeter than taking your sister skinny dipping in the local watering hole. And also we had The Cockodile Hunter. I guess she was the lead hare, and I noticed that when she wears her hair in a pony tail, she almost looks 14 years old! I was wonderin' why she had no husband since 14 is 2-3 years older than most married women in Hillbilly.

So hares were away from this here Elementary School. It was hard to start at an elementary school since so many of us spent 6-10 years in elementary schools. MIC, Hangman, and Custer were quoted as saying that elementary school was the worst years of their lives. Then again, the one room school house was recently invented so you can see why. Once the hares left, we had ourselves a few more drinks and then picked our Brown Bags and got to check out the clothes that Menage was so nice to give to each Hillbilly. ATWI got Herpicles grapes and head thingy, Sizzle Sac got a nice flower sport kilt thingy, Fat Boy Slim wore Menage's grandma's easter sweater, Danny got a hot pink shirt that made him look like a carpenter's dream with all that flat wood on his chest with few bumps. MIC got a sparkly dress with a gas mask, NFHN Raf got a green dress that would look great in the Oz movie. Hangman looked like he was a Sultan's wife in his outfit, Menage wore some adult sleeper PJ's but then switched it to look like she lived on an island. We Hillbilly's were hoping that she would have just worn the coconuts on trail instead of the shirt underneath but since none of us are "really" related that was not going to happen. Sour Snatch wore a technicolor dream coat, and Custer, well, haven you ever seen the movie or tv show Star Trek? That show is a classic because it is all true. Well Custer wore an outfit that exposed his man boobs, but we all thought he looked like Captain Kirk, so he was our leader on the trail.

So off went the Hillbillies, and right off there were two quick back checks. On the second back check, Danny BD messed up his ankle. Said that this happened before when he was working for the carnival as a weight guesser, whatever that means....so we "trek" into those woods with Custer leading the way until we comes across the first beer check. There was Dogfish beer with Apricots in them as well as that H20 stuff and some Blue Bull stuff. Now at that time, Gutterballs asked if I said, Blue Balls and then proceeded to discuss Blue Balls but no one paid attention to that. We all know that Blue Balls is like sex on trail and everyone loves that feelin'. It shows that your mom really loves you! Now a lot of trail consisted of the woods which was nice, but we did not see too many people making moonshine or nothing. You know how Moonshine is made, it was at the beginning of that fine American movie, "The People vs. Larry Flint."

At one point we came across a big CS on trail and we had to switch our clothes. However at this check the only person who did not want to change clothes was Captain Custer, I means Kirk. So we continued on our way. Man, this trail was long and by long I mean longer than it takes my daddy to go to the Privy and read the paper. Until recently I realized that he wasn't readin' no paper, cause he can't read past grade 2......well trail lead us through water and creeks and Sour kept makin' bad jokes, especially as we went over rocks, she would say "this rocks!" Wait a minute, that was me, not her.....After sometime we came onto a shot check consisting of Orange Juice, and not that Hi-C OJ and Peach Schnapps. At this point ATWI could not find Sizzle Sac, in fact no one could. Now, I, Sizzle Sac stayed with the FRB for almost all of trail and when ATWI could not find me, I was standing right there. Apparently, some Hashers felt that on Sunday, Sizzle Sac and Gutterballs looked the same. Well, I don't see it, but then again, I don't see how Fuzzy Butt made sweet, sweet love with that mule last fall....

So trails continues and the FRB's go ahead. So there I am on trail with Sour and we start to hear these voices. Voices of people cheering and yelling, you know like its the Redneck Olympics on ESPN 9, the Ocho. So we decide to go off trail to what we think is a check or maybe even the end of trail. Well low and behold, it was merely a bunch of non hillbilly people riding on those motocross bike things making sounds and cheering. They kept saying to follow the arrows etc, so they were like Sirens from some movie or book. One good thing is that we ran into Captain Custer, er Kirk on trail and he guided us to the next beer check. This check was great, even with Gutterballs who obviously LOVED the Sangria check. One problem was that everyone smelled like pigs rolling around in their own filth. Now I know that Loose Change is used to that smell working with farm animals all the time and I know Fuzzy likes them mules, but wow, it smelled bad, so we continued on our way.

We eventually come across the final shot check and then realize that there is this dang hill going downwards towards the end of trail. The problem is that this hill was quite steep and therefore we all took different ways. Now while I like each and everyone one of my hillbilly family members, I decided to follow the one Hillbilly member who was the toughest on trail that day; the one who was least injured and who could guide us all down the hill; the one who didn't limp at all through most of the trail.....oh wait he did.....it was Danny BD. So Danny starts down the hill and hits his male schlong on some kind of post or wooden something sticking up from the ground. Then Loose Change got excited to see something sticking up from the ground and tried to get to it before Danny could feel it more. Well Menage and I were following behind them and Loose got a nice imprint of my foot on her backside. We then hit another CS check and Captain Custer was able to switch out of his Starfleet uniform and give it to Fat Boy Slim. It was almost like we were seeing Custer in his younger days.

At the On In, the neighbors were scared that the Hillbilly's were going to inbreed or something and we had to move the circle to near the start. Actually I am glad that we moved closer to the end because Wreath Around and Gutterballs were able to lean up against a tree and take a nap. I don't know if you noticed it or not, but both of them guys looked like Frodo and Sam Wise from Lord of the Rings sleeping against a tree resting on their way out of the shire.

Things we learned on trail today....

Wreath Around and Gutterballs love Herpicles and they both love the Hash Shit.

Danny BD takes a trail like he takes his last girlfriend.....hard, slow, and limpy

Just Raf looks great in a green dress

Hangman gets to the checks faster thanks to his horny playin'

Custer and Fat Boy Slim are identical twins separated by 20 years

And if enough Hillbilly's go to the On After and sit outside; we can get free wings and chips without even asking or showing our perty teeth!

Y'all come back now, ya hear!